


Shame

by orphan_account



Category: Late Night Host RPF
Genre: Angst, Closeted Character, Humiliation, M/M, Masturbation, Secret Crush, Self-Hatred, Shame, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 07:38:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2843309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy buys a copy <i>TIME Magazine</i> that features Seth on the cover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shame

_You know this is pathetic, right?_

Jimmy bites his lip as he looks down at the glossy _TIME Magazine_ cover.

“Yeah, I know.”

_But you’re going to do it anyway._

“Yep,” Jimmy says before taking his magazine and a bottle of water up to the register.

It was shameful and disturbing and weird and wrong and a hundred other terrible things, but he can’t stop himself from taking it home for his collection. It’s not totally weird for someone to buy a magazine that features their close friend on the cover, but what Jimmy knew that what he was planning to do with it was anything but “friendly.”

As soon as he gets home, he rushes to his room as if he was being followed by a paparazzo or a nosy fan. He sighs in relief at having the house to himself where he won’t have to worry about being caught.

“Fuck, this is so not okay.”

But it doesn’t stop him from pulling out a few other magazines that also feature a familiar face. Blurbs about hosting the Emmys, pictures from _SNL_ , his wedding announcement, his _Late Night_ announcement…all a manner of information on Seth Meyers being handsome, sweet, adorable, funny, and charming.

 _A colleague collage,_ his mind supplies.

“Shut up,” he thinks back, but his mind is already wandering on to other things. Things that make his pants tight and his face heat up in arousal and embarrassment.

“This is not okay,” he says again.

Jimmy gets comfortable on the bed after stripping off his jeans and boxers, kneeling so he can look down at the pictures of Seth smiling and smirking at him while wearing everything from form fitting suits to comfortable, casual wear and looking great regardless. Jimmy grabs his dick and begins stroking when he sees a picture that really captures Seth's gorgeous eyes. Those tempting, frosty blue eyes that hold so much light and love within them. As if a candle was hiding just behind his lids. He’s so cheerful that Jimmy wishes he could swallow him whole just to feel that energy just a little bit.

_Too bad you’re both married. Let’s face it: neither of you are completely straight._

“Shut up,” he says, aloud this time.

Those thoughts come unbidden to him, time after time, reminding him of what he can’t have, what he’s always pretended he didn’t want. He came close with Justin, but he freaked out and turned him down and ran home with his tail between his legs. That was years ago, but it still stings knowing that his stupid ego and self-image kept him from exploring a part of him that he’s ignored for years. 

And here is the result: jacking off to magazine articles and newspapers of one of his best friends because he can never admit his feelings and have the real thing.

_Who’s to say the feelings would be reciprocated?_

"Shut up!" he shouts to the empty room. 

Jimmy bats away a tear as he tries to focus solely on the pleasure of the moment. To just focus on the kind faces in the magazine and the friction and warmth of his own hand. Forcing himself to concentrate on the good things helps, but the voice gnawing at the back of his head makes him feel worse and worse.

“He loves me. He doesn’t have to fuck me for me to know that. And he knows I love him too.”

It kind of helps, but it mostly just makes it sound like he’s trying to convince himself. And if anyone, let alone Seth or Nancy, found out about this, he’d be disgraced forever. Then he’d be the butt of the jokes with terrible headlines and a reputation that would haunt him and his family and _god_ that’s fucking depressing to think about.

But Jimmy’s not thinking about that. Not right now. All he’s thinking about is Seth getting him on his hands and knees, grabbing a hank of his hair, and fucking his ass raw. He needs something rough right now to drown out the bad thoughts, and unexpectedly, he feels warmth and pressure build in his stomach and his cock. Jimmy sighs in relief.

He can see in his mind’s eye a visions of Seth covering his mouth with his hand so he can’t speak or breathe and then tenderly making love to him and then Seth smacking him across the face, calling him awful, ugly names and then, and then, and then…!

Suddenly, he’s coming, coming, coming, and _finally_. It feels good and it’s finally over, and he doesn’t have to think about this anymore.

Jimmy opens his eyes without having realized that he had closed them to find a mess before him. There’s come on his hands and the sheets, but most of the magazines are untouched. It’s little surprise to him that the only defiled piece is the new issues of _TIME_. Of course.

Looking at it makes Jimmy feel queasy, so he quickly runs to the bath room to wash his hands before grabbing the offending magazine and throwing it into the trash, making a mental note to throw it away before Nancy and the kids come back from visiting her mother. Seth’s still-smiling, filthy face smiles up at him from the garbage. Jimmy can’t stand it anymore and drops the lid, rushing back to his bedroom to take a long, cleansing shower.


End file.
